Catharsis

Alcoholism. Depression. Autism. My parents. My lesbian sister. My ex-boyfriends. My two husbands. My psychiatrist. These are topics I write about. Some people might criticize me for opening up too much about my life. I know my parents worry about my privacy (I do too). Others might think I simply want attention or, when my posts are sad, pity. 

I don’t define myself as a “writer.” I don’t create pieces on demand. I can’t have deadlines and assigned topics. Most importantly, I cannot write about subjects that I don’t care about. Whenever I do, the piece seems contrived, insincere. 

I am with writing as I am with my other hobbies- always for love, always mood-driven. I have to be passionate about something to be able to write about it. Yes, there are many writers who can write pieces without divulging snippets of their lives, but mine are not merely essays. They’re stories. Of my life mostly but unintentionally stories, too, of others who have had similar experiences. 

For my daughter's airplane birthday party, my sisters and mom were the flight
attendants, we built a pretend cockpit for the stage, presented a safety
demonstration, and dressed guests in pilot hats and aviator sunglasses.
All for love. :)

Recently, one of my good friends experienced a major heartbreak. After I talked her through her pain and tears for an hour, she said, “why do you give such good advice, anyway? How can you know all these things?” “Because I’ve been heartbroken many times!” I said, laughing. 

My psychiatrist said it best. “You are a wounded healer,” she said. Her choice of words was both hilarious and marvelous. I never thought of myself as a “healer.” I always thought that I was the one that needed to be healed. I never imagined that all my crying and drama would be of any value to any one else. 

I haven’t written anything on my autism blog, www.journeyonthespectrum.blogspot.com for years. But I remember an incident in Ton’s therapy center where, a mother’s eyes lit up upon seeing Ton, then she approached me to say, “is that Ton? Are you the writer of the autism blog?” I nodded and she said, “I read everything in it and it helped me so much, especially when my son was first diagnosed.” I thanked her and gave her my number in case she needed emotional support or answers to questions. 

In May this year, I wrote an article on special schools for Smart Parenting,, http://www.smartparenting.com.ph/parenting/kids-with-special-needs/choosing-a-school-for-my-child-with-autism-a1629-20170522-lfrm. It chronicled our long journey to find a good fit for Ton in terms of education. It also helped many parents of special children understand what it took my family six years to learn.

Lastly, my piece in this blog which was published in Rappler, https://www.rappler.com/move-ph/issues/gender-issues/95274-sister-wedding-same-sex, talked about a still highly controversial topic in our country. I really wanted to show how discrimination against same-sex relationships is so real by sharing how I, who once regarded my lesbian sister’s relationship as inferior, now see her marriage as an inspiration. 

I am not poetic. I don’t have a vast knowledge of figurative phrases. When I write, readers don’t have the opportunity to “see, smell, touch or taste” the words. My writing is plain, raw, emotional, and always “from the heart” (sometimes, I even cry while I write). Just like me- imperfect, unguarded, honest and always full of hope. 

This is the only way I know how to write. It’s the only way I know how to inspire others. By “healing” others through my writing, I slowly become less wounded myself. 

Just like me- imperfect, unguarded, honest and always 

full of hope.

(Written on November 8, 2017, never published until now)