Courage

Sometimes courage is not about bungee-jumping, rock climbing or even sky diving. Sometimes, it is the subtle push you give yourself to leap into the unknown. 

I am traveling to Siem Reap in a few days, alone. I’ve never traveled on my own as a tourist. I am doing this to prepare myself for the more distant trip to Budapest in September. Why this need to travel alone? Because, like many things I’ve been pushing myself to do lately, it is a fear that I have to overcome. 

I want to know how it feels to be in a foreign place where you, alone, are the master of your trip. Wake up when you want, go wherever you want to go, skip touring if you’re lazy or even dare to deviate from the usual tours. My past trips were always planned by others- from accommodations, itineraries, budgets. In Siem Reap, it’s all on me (but first, someone please define “budget” 😛 ).

Siem Reap is major for me. I am not only trying to be brave in order to face unfamiliar experiences. I also need courage to face peoples’ opinions of me; from the father of my children, my friends, my parents. 

“Sama ako (Let me go with you),” someone would say. “Ang lungkot naman. Mag-isa ka lang? (How sad. You'll be all alone?)” another would chime in. Of course there are those, too, that second-guess my intentions. Because, what kind of middle-aged Filipina mother travels on her own anyway? Is she searching for new connections and friendships?

At this point, as I near 50, I don’t give a f*ck. It’s an art I’m trying to master. I know the truth. I know my intentions. I love my children and that love guides me in all that I do. I want my children to see a strong mother who joined half marathons in her late 40s and learned to rock climb. Someone who dared to be true to herself without concern for what society says. 

My second NY Half Marathon

Conquering my fear of heights

Which brings me to my next adventure. The next major event that will require me to muster all the courage I have within. I am migrating to the US once again.  Many will say, “wow, ang sarap naman! (wow, that will be so much fun!).” Or, “that will be a better life for you. You’re so lucky.” Right now, all I feel is fear. 

I am not familiar with that life anymore. I left California in 2008 a different person- obese, lacking self-love and an identity. I was a mother and wife who followed the pack. That was all I knew. That was all I wanted.

Days before I moved back to Manila in 2008

So much has changed in almost 11 years. Aside from a 60-pound weight loss, I became me. The woman I didn’t know I could be. Someone with an identity so strong that she protects it fiercely from anyone who dares change it. Someone who loves her friends but craves for solitude just as much. Someone who can’t last long without the happy hormones of her workouts. Someone who admits that, though this is a nice level of self-awareness to settle in, there is much more to learn and a tremendous amount of growth that is still possible. 

And so, much more than Siem Reap, Budapest, and the fear of heights, I now face this new unknown. Will I be happy in America? Will I lose my sense of self again because I will have to reinvent myself to function best as a mother? Will I have to amp up my anti-depression meds? Hahaha! 

It is a move I have to do. For my children’s sake. And, no matter how badly I will miss the person I have become in the last few years, there is no higher passion in my heart than to be the best mother. This is all I have that defeats my doubts and fears. 

I cry now as I fear the inevitability of losing a part of the “new me” in America. The person I’ve worked so hard to become. The one that I had to fight for for years. We’ll see. It’s just the next step for me. My biggest adventure (for now). Hopefully, a big chunk of the new me remains. To do this, I will fight fiercely and be brave. 

Taking another leap into the unknown

My psychiatrist said it best last month. “The biggest sign of mental health is the ability to embrace the ambiguous.” I guess I am sane now. 💗 

"Ambiguous" by Niña Defensor with my self-made
strength and empowerment bracelet

Budapest

It all started after I ran a half marathon in San Francisco and crossed the Golden Gate Bridge. The emotions I felt when I first stepped onto the bridge were overwhelming and inexplicable. I could not understand why, though I loved this bridge immensely, my chest was overflowing with happiness and the joy was making me teary-eyed.
  

Emotional before I crossed the GGB

That feeling of elation remained (still does) with me. I wondered, what if I set out to run over bridges for as long as physically-possible? So I started to Google “most beautiful bridges in the world.” Among those bridges, I looked for half marathons that passed said structures. That’s how Budapest came up. 

Budapest’s Chain Bridge, merely 200 meters, but gorgeous. Of course the capital of Hungary isn’t an eyesore either so I said, why not? But I couldn’t commit just yet. There were so many things going against the plan. 

The Szechenyi Chain Bridge
(source: travelbe.weebly.com on Pinterest)

The biggest obstacle of all was fear. I have never traveled alone to an unfamiliar destination, so the fear was intense. This thought prevented me from taking any further steps for more than two months. I shelved the bridge mission indefinitely.

Then, one at a time, things would remind me of Budapest. First was George Ezra’s song, “Budapest,” one of my recent favorites. Only after the bridge mission did I even notice the title of the song. It doesn’t even talk about the city! 

Being part of a family of Avengers fanatics, I made it a point to watch Endgame on its first day out. “We’re a long way from Budapest,” Hawkeye tells Natasha as they flew through space. I smiled at the reference as I sat through the movie alone.

Last week, my daughter, G who lives in California, shut me out of my Spotify playlist unknowingly while she played her music. I was forced to play my songs on Youtube. And there it was. Not even a song title, just text in the beginning of Ellie Goulding’s video for (another of my favorites) “Close to Me”- BUDAPEST, HUNGARY. It was the setting of the video’s storyline.

                                  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajN57m_OSpY

That was it. I was going to Budapest. I was no longer going to be afraid. 

But then, another hurdle. How could I go to Hungary in September when I have to watch the kids in California? Unless… our dearest yaya Ting got her US visa approved and she could take care of the kids for a week while I’m gone. Only then would I be able to commence the bridge mission.

This obstacle to my plans was almost impossible to overcome. Having been denied a visa six months ago, the chances of her being granted one now was remote. The consul would obviously scrutinize her application deeper. S/he would ask tougher questions. Ting and I both went to the US Embassy early this week with no expectations. We knew that an approval was a stretch.

“Bahala na ang Diyos; Kung para sa yo, sa yo (It’s up to God; if it’s meant for you, it will be yours),” I repeatedly reassured Ting (and myself). And then…

Synchronicity! Yes, of all the consuls, we got the sweetest man who wanted to give us another chance; even if both Ting and I both fumbled through our answers. (Or maybe it was my charm? 😜 ) 

My psychiatrist is a huge Carl Jung fan. And,  although she didn’t mention Jung last month when I visited her, it is interesting to note that it was Jung who coined the term “synchronicity.”

Source: Wikipedia

Budapest is the result of synchronicity. It is a product of the aligning of events and coincidences. 

Yay! Registered!

Call it vibration, manifestation, destiny, God’s work. Things happen to us as they should. They are either steps to a more meaningful endpoint or are lessons to be learned on our way to self-awareness. The Budapest journey taught me that- to surrender and let go. Kung para sa yo, sa yo. 

"Synchronicity" by Niña Defensor with a Labradorite bracelet