Courage

Sometimes courage is not about bungee-jumping, rock climbing or even sky diving. Sometimes, it is the subtle push you give yourself to leap into the unknown. 

I am traveling to Siem Reap in a few days, alone. I’ve never traveled on my own as a tourist. I am doing this to prepare myself for the more distant trip to Budapest in September. Why this need to travel alone? Because, like many things I’ve been pushing myself to do lately, it is a fear that I have to overcome. 

I want to know how it feels to be in a foreign place where you, alone, are the master of your trip. Wake up when you want, go wherever you want to go, skip touring if you’re lazy or even dare to deviate from the usual tours. My past trips were always planned by others- from accommodations, itineraries, budgets. In Siem Reap, it’s all on me (but first, someone please define “budget” 😛 ).

Siem Reap is major for me. I am not only trying to be brave in order to face unfamiliar experiences. I also need courage to face peoples’ opinions of me; from the father of my children, my friends, my parents. 

“Sama ako (Let me go with you),” someone would say. “Ang lungkot naman. Mag-isa ka lang? (How sad. You'll be all alone?)” another would chime in. Of course there are those, too, that second-guess my intentions. Because, what kind of middle-aged Filipina mother travels on her own anyway? Is she searching for new connections and friendships?

At this point, as I near 50, I don’t give a f*ck. It’s an art I’m trying to master. I know the truth. I know my intentions. I love my children and that love guides me in all that I do. I want my children to see a strong mother who joined half marathons in her late 40s and learned to rock climb. Someone who dared to be true to herself without concern for what society says. 

My second NY Half Marathon

Conquering my fear of heights

Which brings me to my next adventure. The next major event that will require me to muster all the courage I have within. I am migrating to the US once again.  Many will say, “wow, ang sarap naman! (wow, that will be so much fun!).” Or, “that will be a better life for you. You’re so lucky.” Right now, all I feel is fear. 

I am not familiar with that life anymore. I left California in 2008 a different person- obese, lacking self-love and an identity. I was a mother and wife who followed the pack. That was all I knew. That was all I wanted.

Days before I moved back to Manila in 2008

So much has changed in almost 11 years. Aside from a 60-pound weight loss, I became me. The woman I didn’t know I could be. Someone with an identity so strong that she protects it fiercely from anyone who dares change it. Someone who loves her friends but craves for solitude just as much. Someone who can’t last long without the happy hormones of her workouts. Someone who admits that, though this is a nice level of self-awareness to settle in, there is much more to learn and a tremendous amount of growth that is still possible. 

And so, much more than Siem Reap, Budapest, and the fear of heights, I now face this new unknown. Will I be happy in America? Will I lose my sense of self again because I will have to reinvent myself to function best as a mother? Will I have to amp up my anti-depression meds? Hahaha! 

It is a move I have to do. For my children’s sake. And, no matter how badly I will miss the person I have become in the last few years, there is no higher passion in my heart than to be the best mother. This is all I have that defeats my doubts and fears. 

I cry now as I fear the inevitability of losing a part of the “new me” in America. The person I’ve worked so hard to become. The one that I had to fight for for years. We’ll see. It’s just the next step for me. My biggest adventure (for now). Hopefully, a big chunk of the new me remains. To do this, I will fight fiercely and be brave. 

Taking another leap into the unknown

My psychiatrist said it best last month. “The biggest sign of mental health is the ability to embrace the ambiguous.” I guess I am sane now. 💗 

"Ambiguous" by Niña Defensor with my self-made
strength and empowerment bracelet